Diesel Tailgate

2003-2024
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Adventure Supplement

Details of Vaughn's drunken evening and the adventure Chris F, Chris K, Nick and I had driving "home" after the Americana Homecoming tailgate on 10-21-2006.


Know your adventurers
Rob
Rob
Nick
Nick
Chris
Chris
Chris K
Chris K

As you may have guessed, Vaughn was a little beyond hammered at this tailgate. It may have been the 3 scalding hot hard cider that he funneled in the morning…or the 6-8 shots of Jagermeister after the game, or the funnel of merlot mixed with Irish cream plus the countless beers. Either way, it was ridiculous. I was embarrassed to tell people that he was my tailgating mentor when I was a student. Here’s the story:
Official Stats
Total hours spent: 1.5
Miles to Mary's and back: 24
Wrong turns directed by Vaughn : 4
Miles driven: 38.5
Angry tailgaters : 4

Around dusk, he was just gone. He was so hammered that he couldn’t stand up for the group picture and was yelling nonsense. Jessi and Nick were trying to keep an eye on him. They realized that he hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast, which was 12 hours ago. They gave him a plate with a corndog and some fries. He didn’t touch it. They gave him a brisket sandwich. He wasn’t going for it. He took 3 bites, which he was trying to hide in his cheeks. No one was fooled by this childish act.

We got lucky and found that he took the car keys out of his fanny pack and left them on the beer pong table. I grabbed them.

It was about 2000 hrs and things continued to get worse as he encouraged people to get the funnel for him. Which being jackasses, they did. After this, he went to a totally incoherent and falling over state. He fell out of the chair he was sitting in, on top of my wooden coffee table, into the tailgate of my truck, and headfirst into a leg of the canopies. funnel

He was attempting to balance against Matt’s dad’s truck to take a leak, but ended up peeing on his hand. He then sat down on the hood of his japscrap beater car and continued. It wasn’t pretty. From this angle, he peed all over himself and then passed out on the hood of his car for a while.

After he came to, he wanted to go visit his “girlfriend” Mary. Although he’s been talking about this 21 year old since last season, we have yet to see her at a tailgate. According to Madeline, they apparently broke up during a home game earlier in the season.

Nick started chasing him around the fireplace. Nick was taunting him with the megaphone, “You’re going home alone, buddy!” I thought that Vaughn was going to take a header into the fire, and or kill Nick once he got a hold of him.

Vaughn wanted to drive to her place, even though he could barely stand up, but his car was surrounded by the livestock fence and our tailgate. Lucky for everyone else on the road, we still had his keys. He started to yell wildly at people and put Nick in a headlock. He looked like he was going to punch him or Jessi. “Where are my f***ing keys!” Jessi asked him about his girlfriend to get him to calm down. He started crying.

We told Vaughn that he wasn’t driving anywhere. Chris F got Mary’s number and called repeatedly getting a busy signal (who doesn’t have voice mail anyway). We hoped that maybe she would pick him up. There was no chance. “Now is not a good time,” she barked. She said that he lived in Mifflinville and suggested that we take 26 past the mall, past Bellefonte, and that he would probably recognize the way once we got there. Thanks Mary, lets be honest there was no way that was going to work at this point. He didn’t want to take a cab and wouldn’t sleep it off. We also couldn’t pack up fast enough to just leave him there. about to fall over

At 2100 hrs it was time for him to go. I decided that I would drive his car home and that Chris F would shadow in his truck to get us back to lot 13. Nick volunteered to ride with Vaughn and I.

His car was a little scary. The very old and worn Honda Prelude had no driver’s seatbelt. The antenna was a coat hanger, which almost took out Matt’s eye earlier in the day. The windshield is massively fogged up and the motor barely had enough power to keep idling.

Vaughn kept saying, “It’s only 7 miles” as we headed north on 220. As we drove, Vaughn passed out in the car and Nick fell asleep. I was going out of my mind, because I had no idea of where to go. I was able to get Vaughn to wake up enough to point out the exit, but he picked the wrong one. We took 150 all the way back to PSU.

I pulled in the gas station near W.R. Hickey to get a better game plan. Vaughn woke up, got out of the car, started to piss and puked in the bushes along side E. College Ave. Nick wandered in the gas station to buy beef jerky. I was pissed. Chris was ready to shoot someone. With everyone awake now, Vaughn directed us the wrong way again onto campus. Once we got turned around, we were headed north on 150. Vaughn tells us to turn at Sheetz and this put us at a dead end at Fisherman’s paradise. I tell him he’s got 1 more chance or we’re just leaving him at Sheetz. We again head north on 150.

I’m trying to talk to Vaughn to keep him awake as we head towards Bellefonte. I turn on the radio to keep me from going crazy, but it barely works. I realize that the “7 miles” he’s been talking about is to Mary’s house. His house is 25 miles away and Frankly, I can’t deal with that. Nick’s on the phone with some girl and then drops a bomb in the back seat. I’m still fighting with the foggy windshield.

We arrive in Bellefonte and turn the car around and park it in front of Mary’s house. As Vaughn stumbles up to Mary’s front porch, I’m yelling at Nick to get the hell out of the car. Nick can’t get out and has his feet straddling the front seat of the 2-door car. I tossed the keys under the seat and we made a dash for Chris’s truck. I didn’t want to have any little chats with her considering that she didn’t want to see him in the first place. Chris didn’t want Nick in the cab because by the end of the tailgate he was pretty covered in mud and Lager and he was having a little bit of trouble getting into the bed of the truck so I grabbed his foot and tossed him in. To expedite our get away, I jumped after him. As Chris tore around the corner, I could see that the door to the house was now open. The ride back was freezing in the back of the truck. 38 degrees and 60 mph wind equals a wind chill of 17 degrees. Nick said that he could see the rage in my eyes. I grabbed a picture of us in the bed just before we got back. freezing

We arrived back in lot 13 at 2330 hrs. Mad, Suz, Jessi and Carter were huddled around the fireplace after they had put everything at the back of the truck except the fireplace and lantern. The police had apparently given them a hard time about the fireplace, even though it was propane. I started to relay the story of the last hour and a half as we packed everything in the truck and headed home. Chris just said good bye and did a smoke show out of the parking lot.

At this point, I was completely burnt out and called it a night. While back at the hotel, I got a call from Vaughn at home. One of Mary’s friends gave him a ride home. He was asking where his keys where and how he was supposed to get to work tomorrow. I said, “The keys are under your seat and you should have thought about that before you got that drunk, good night!”


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